amedievalmind

Well, I got on the scale the other day and to my amazement the scale actually said, "NO, GET OFF!!!" I gained another 10lbs. I am now at 230lbs. Sometimes, I look at myself and think, eww. "Well, I'm not gonna shag me" and I just get depressed. I am not a small guy, never have been and never will be. I don't like the idea of being much smaller than 190, though that would take an act of God at this point. Then I look back at who I have dated and I have always been with very very very attractive men. All of them are just beyond good looking. IN the face, in the body, and in the mind. (Well, one not so much in the mind as just the body). Sometimes, I am just like, who the hell cares. Aside from my diabetes issues, I tend to take the weight gain in strides and only think about it when I see a skinny, young, twink who looks at me like I'm Jabba the Hut or something. So, this is one of my shades of crazy. Sometimes, I don't mind it and sometimes I do. Right now, I am kinda neutral.
I can not believe it is already November. Christmas break is right around the corner. I am not going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving this year (which is going to suck major balls, and not in the good way) but I do get my favorite witch and my favorite student after Christmas. I am very excited about this.

You know, as much as I would love to believe that I am more advanced than what I am teaching and that I am getting ahead of myself, blah blah blah, I have to sit back and look at this from the students point of view. I just asked a very valued friend what was thought of my effectiveness as a teacher and "generally good" was the response. Now, this means that I was not even good all the time.Granted, this kid did not belong in an English 110 class and I can't believe he did not shoot himself out of sheer boredom.
I look at one of these kids, who has remarked a couple times that she can't believe I am the teacher (after a point of my "what the hell") and I wonder if she is starting to or has already influenced the others. She also does not really belong in that level course. IF others begin to loose confidence in my ability to teach this material, then they will simply give up or view class as a waste of time. Evals are coming up and I am so freaking out about doing this in front of the dean or something.
My good friend B here in Chicago simply said, its because you are smarter than what you are teaching. He is a good friend, just like the rest of you all, but I need to know if I should even be doing this basic stuff. I never saw Burling, Weaver, Ellis, Baumlin, or any other teacher that I respect slip or get confused about BASIC things.
You have no idea how much sleep I am losing over this........

Well, it happened again today in class, I was confused right in front of everyone. i eventually set the issue right, and I was correct, but it threw me off. This is the third time this has happened.
I think I was trying to do the final lesson and over looked the breakdown the book was showing. made me look stupid and I hate that. Maybe the basic stuff isn't good for me. I don't want the kids to loose respect for me.

well, today was the last day to register for the GRE subject test for this year. The test date of November 7th was full in all locations in IL, so that means I missed it this year. As much as a disappointment as that it to me, I have decided to remain in IL and explore the possibility of teaching full time at RJD.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my main goal this whole time has been to reenter the classroom. Rather infront of the desk or behind the desk did not matter to me and now that I have that, I am going to love every minute of it. I will welcome the oppotunity to teach full time here in Chicago, a place that I will be able to finally start to love now that I have what I wanted, and enjoy this chance while I have it. After all, I always tell everyone they are in no hurry to get to the finish line. My finish line would be the PhD, but I have all the time in the world. I am back in the classroom again, doing what I love and hopefully making some kind of a difference to someone.
I think this next year will be a great one.

Well, I got a teaching job. Most, if not all, of everyone who reads this already knows this information. I just  had to say it again. :) I have one class at Richard J Daley College in Chicago and, thus far, it looks like it will be a great semester. I have a pretty diverse group of students - something MSU could not give us - and I do think we will have a good time. This program has exit tests and they are required to pass this test in order to progress to the next level. Now, we did not have these tests at MSU, but I do feel like we were preparing them for classes beyond 110 anyway. I am going to be alert in this new position and take in anything and everything any other teachers offer to me. I feel like I did my first day at MSU only I may have a little more experience, but not much.
It was so good to be "on" again. I missed that feeling so much over the last two years. I actually had a dream over the summer where I was in the classroom and I caught a small glimpse of that feeling, but Thursday night was the real deal. I already have 85% of the semester planned and will allow for changes if needed as the students show me what they require and in what areas.
It seems like it has been one thing after another since I returned form home, but fast is how things occur in my life. The only thing as of late that I am not happy about is my weight. I have gone up again (well, actually I have lost a few pounds since my last doctors visit). I am back up to 220 and that is not acceptable. I was down to 205 the week before I taught at MSU and then I turned into a walrus, moved here and lost a lot of it, then it kinda crept back up a little bit. I need to get this damn belly off of me. So, that, in addition to my other goals, will be added to the pile.
Honestly, there is not much else to tell. I have been running around like chicken with it's head cut off the last week, and I seriously need to take a breath and say, nice. But it is full steam ahead; after all, this is what I wanted and now I have it. No sense in slowing down now. Right????? That's what I thought.

It is clear from watching taped town hall meetings that representatives in our congress and senate are not interested in answering legitimate questions when presented with facts both economically and historically. I just watched Barney Frank dismiss a woman's intelligence when she provided a historical comparison between certain aspects of "Obamacare" to the proposed healthcare reform of Hitler's Germany. He dismissed her as a nut and failed to answer a simple direct question, "how do you support this" in reference to the life choice portion of the bill, and yes, it does exist.
The country is finally starting to see that the proposed plan of healthcare reform right now WILL NOT WORK. Plain and simple. The representatives are simply not listening to the people they claim to represent. Of coarse, they don't care because the members of congress and the senate are not affected by the Healthcare reform bill, did you all know that? 
When Sn. Kennedy lost his brave battle with cancer, I am sure he had the best, the very best private medical care available, that his money could buy. He was in his early 70's. THink about that and put the peices together.
I am so sick of people thinking they deserve or have the right to free helthcare or free anything for that matter. IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT!!!!!!!!
The government is not there to cradle you like a parent and pay your way. It can't, its broke. Taxing the few people in this country who create jobs and wealth to help pay for your way is not the answer.
You people got what you wanted, I hope it was worth it.

Wow, what a realization yesterday. I was in T J Max, a store that I never went into in Springfield, and was looking around at some of their jeans. I wanted to see how much of my fat ass i have lost so I decided to try some of the "dedsigner" jeans on. The low rise and such. 34 waste, nothing over sized or anything like that, and guess what....the fit. They actually fit just fine. Only two problems 1. my bearish belly is still an eyesore and 2. the jeans are very form fitting. Which is ok, because I have strong legs, but I do not have an elephants package in my pants as the jeans make me look like I do. I realize that's not a bad thing to look like that, but I am not built like that. I consider it to be false advertizing. Anyway, I hate buying clothes, especialy when I do not know what looks good on me. I need someone up here to help me go shopping and to keep me away from clothes that are too big. I hate buying clothes!!! But it was a good discovery yesterday.

Well, after what could only be described as an impulse by the full moon with Jay last night, I did finally end the relationship. It had been near two weeks since I had seen him let alone touched him. I know that I can be distant, but it is just not in his personality. We did talk about it and come to find out, he didn't think anything was actually wrong. He just thought I was being myself and just being reclusive. So, to make a long story longer, I told him that I just don't know what I want right now. Which is partially true but not completely. I just know I do not want him (though I did not tell him that) I did not want to kick him out of my life because as I have said many times, he is  nice guy. So I told him I still wanted to hang out and go to movies and such. He agreed and we decided to end the romantic aspect and cut out the sex.
       Let's face it, the way I vacilate between wanting him and not wanting him is simply not fair to him. And it is just NOT me. When I know I like someone, I go for them. I do not get wishy washy about hanging out, spending time with them, etc.....That is how I know he was just not the guy to date for me.
    So, I am back to being mysef again, single. And you now what? I kinda like it.

well, i had a dream about him last night. First time it ever happened and I was a little freaked out this morning. it was not sexual, though it was very sensual (if that makes sense).  and i could still feel him inside my arms when I woke up. It was fantasy, but it was nice.

i think I have narrowed at least one of the problems with J and I. He is too mature for me, and here is what I mean by that: I have spent so much time over the last few years hanging out with younger crowds and complied with my natural inclination towards toys, cartoons, comic books, etc, that I have become very comfortable not thinking of myself as an adult. I do not take myself all that seriously and an 8 year gap in age, is not that much a difference. Almost all of my friends here are about 20 years old. Now, J is 36. that is a 16 year gap and I can understand why he would not want to hang out with them, but it makes me wonder if I am just too immature for my age. I really do not think I am, but it has crossed my mind a few times. I like my way of living and I have very few eccentricities, I might as well enjoy those I do have.
I don't think anyone would actually say I am immature, but I am sure I do have my moments.
I was looking at my apartment the other day with a critical eye and my description of my place as a toy store meets a library is not a bad thing in my eyes, but I can't help but wonder how many potential partners would view that as a turn off. Ultimately, it breaks down to me needing someone who gets me and can also partake in the same kind of quirky, immature things that I also enjoy.

J and I are going to see Harry Potter tonight with a few other friends here. He texted me today and asked me if I was excited about tonight, I said of course. But then he asked me about which one, seeing him or the movie. Well, I had to think about that one before I sent a response. I knew the answer, but I was so nervous about how to phrase it. I was def. more excited about the movie. I like seeing J and I like being with J, but I just do not get excited about seeing him. I look forward to the sex and to talking to him but I get more excited about seeing some of my friends here than the guy I am kinda seeing. He has just not captivated my attention yet and I wonder if he will. I know that dating is suppose to be fun and having a good time is something that is part of the process, but I am just not the kind of person who can willingly waste the time of both parties when I know J is not the one for me. I would rather concentrate on other things.

I had a teaching dream last night. I was actually in an former teachers room, Mr. P (professor Snape himself), and I was "on". I missed the feeling so intensely tht I think it recahrged me a bit. It was just like being back in MSU with a classroom full of students listening and waiting to see what vulgar phrases would come out of my mouth next. I loved it.

I am thinking about making a trip home the first part of August. Just a short trip, but some very special people have birthdays in that time. Grandpa turns 91 on the 5th, Nana turns 85 on the 18th and o course, B turns 21 on the 3rd. I can't be there for all of them, but I miss them all terribly ( as well as everyone else). I need some hive time, even if one of the members is on another continent. The trip is going to depend on whether or not I can afford taking four days off at the beginning of the month, I hope I can, but you never know. If not, I will be one of the Holidays before I am able to make it back. I don't want to go that long without seeing my friends.

So, there are a few good things on the horizen. I have job applications out, hopefully one will come through, and I am getting ready to take the GRE again in October. I need a higher score on the subject test. I have two study books now which are giving me some very good tips for studying and not just here is a list read them all and pray. That's stupid. If I had actually read all the books on the list why the hell do I need to take the test? Most proffs havn't read all the books.

its been a little over a week since I have seen J. I called him tonight just to say hi and he brought up the fact that I had all but disappeared. So, we got into it about what it was and where it should go and he told me basically to shit or get off the pot because he likes me but doesn't want to play games. He had only dated on Aquarian and I guess he was all about sex, I am actually really shy when it comes to sex and he is not. So I told him that I need to be kicked in the ass every so often or I will think things to death. It has been so long since I have had a real relationship and I know that I have been hiding behind it in a number of ways as well. But I think, after talking with D that I need this. I need to be with someone who is not 18, who is together, who is situated in life, confident, and willing to have both a sexual and an emotional relationship with me.  And as arrogant as that may sound, I truly think that is the case.
It's time I moved on from C and from C and from A. I love/d C but a memory is not something in which to hide. C is a wonderful young man but has to deal with his life before he can be there for some one else though I will always have his back. And A was merely a fantasy that I convinced myself to be a reality. Its time to get off my ass and do something about this.
I know this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I just needed to get this out somewhere.

You know, I really miss teaching. It has been one year and some change since I was last in a classroom and I must say, I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my work at Pepsi as it's a job and it's good money (most of the time), but I can do more. I have applied to several full-time positions in the area at community colleges and just found two more adjunct posts  to apply to and I would really like to get something. Even a per course gig would be great. It would give me the extra monthly boost I need financially and it would get my foot back in academia's door.
After calling several of the institutions last week, I discovered that the next two weeks should yield a phone call if I am one of the candidates being considered. So, I will call once next week and make sure they know that I am REALLY FUCKING interested in the job. I suppose that is the best way to let them know how serious I am about the whole thing. I may curb my language a bit, but the over all enthusiasm should remain in tact.

I have definitely become so comfortable in my solitude that I have hurt myself in the area of dating. I met guy last week, so freaking hot. He looks like a combination of Lou Diamond Phillips (as a young man) and J.P.Pitoc (search movie Trick if unfamiliar). His body resembles a younger, toned, Marky Mark ( I feel like I am going to wake up anytime).
He is Puerto Rican, works in the city, loves Twilight (everyone has flaws), movies, reading, etc...

Here is where I am screwing it up: Yesterday, we had the chance to hang out ,after three days apart, and I really just didn't want to. I wanted to stay at home, alone and watch Will and Grace. There always comes a point, usualy early in a relationship with me, where I crave being alone again. I feel like I am loosing my privacy and that scares me. Now, the first few encounters have been purely sexual. It was meant, I think, as a casual thing. But lately, he has recently asked to go see Transformers with me this Friday night (then engage in other activities).
I have no problem with a casual sex buddy, the problem is that I do not know if this guy is going to be able to satisfy my other needs (deep conversations). I know not everyone likes to talk a movie or book to death, I know that, but I have not yet tried to test him and I am afraid to do so.

So, there is my pointless rant. I met a hot hot hot guy that wants to be fucked constantly, and I am already thinking I want to be alone again. What the hell is wrong with me???(if you try to answer that, keep it 500 words or less please :) )

Ok, here is the deal. Ohio State University requires a verbal score of 600. My score is 560. I am not retaking that damn test again. I am already going to retake the subject test this coming fall again. Should I even bother to apply to the school or just forget it? Do you think the 40 points will make a difference?

Ok, I did screw up and it was Ohio State Un. not U of Ohio. Sorry guys

OH SHIT!!!!!   Here comes what should have been last year at this time. I have just found 7 schools that have Medieval Programs (including the PhD) Only one of these schools do not offer a Medieval program, but offer one in Children's Lit. While I do not want to obtain a higher degree in that field, I would not dismiss the idea of studying in a university which offers more in depth courses in such a field.

They are as follows:

University of Oklahoma
University of Iowa (Children's Lit)
University of Southern Illinois (ISU)
Loyola University (already applied)
Michigan State University (already applied)
Cornell University (Northeastern coast, mostly likely not)
University of Ohio

I have asked my professors for two letters thus far and I think that is pestering enough. I am going to hate to ask these people to write 5 more letters (if not more because of assistantship program letters) I know Dr. B won't mind and I am pretty sure the Wizard won't mind, but I am worried about Dr. E. He just plain scares me. Anyway, do you think that is too many to ask for? Should I just ask someone else? It just seems like I should have the medievalist write letters for me. Am I asking too much?

Anway, I am so freakin excited here. I am going to re take the Lit GRE this fall to improve my score. Some of the schools require it and some do not, but I can send the scores anyway. I am happy with the 560 verbal I got on the general and the 4 on the analytical section. That is not quite 600, but it is close and I am happy with it. So, here goes.

I am going to stay up here in Chicago for another year until I hear from the school. Hopefully I will know something by next June.

Ok, here is a question to all my friends with advanced degrees in all things non relevant to everyday life (the arts). Please be advised I am not making fun of anyone here and I am not trying to belittle our accomplishments at all. But I am curious...

   How do you justify spending thousands of dollars and multiple years earning a degree that has little to no relevance to/in everyday life?

Now, this is not me being snotty or anything like that as I am in the same boat. But I am always curious as to the reasons we spend so much time working towards a degree that aids very few people. With the exception of teaching writing, the English degree is really a cycle of redundancy. We get out degrees to teach other to get their degrees to teach others........ I mean, Medieval English LIt, when was the last time you needed to know about the life cycle of the hero or the cardinal sin that took down Beowulf in your local grocery store or job application.

So, any takers?? How do you justify your degree(s)?

It never ceases to amaze me how completely oblivious I can be when it comes to my friends. I try to keep my distance when it comes to personal stuff, specifically dating, and specifically certain people. I do not want to cross boundaries that may or may not exist. At least with issues that have never been discussed between us.
    It is hard to show how much you do love someone when you are 500 miles away with out sounding like you are in love with them. I really would drop everything and make the trip home if any of them needed me. Not just C, but B, and S and L and R. ALL of them. B and C may hold, in all honesty, a little more tighter grip on the heart strings, but that is not to say the others are not important. And I would go to CO, but not to K., Sorry J. That is a bit too far.
    Well, now that my witch is leaving, how the hell is going to keep me in touch with the group and tell me when I am losing my rankings.

Another year, gone. This time the year in question is not marked by any specific holiday or national campaign of alcohol, but merely the fact that on the last Saturday of May, 2008 I arrived in Illinois to see whether or not I could survive. When I first got here, my parents helped me unpack and then left (they had to return to work the very next day). I was left with no internet, no friends (close), and absolutely no freakin' idea where I was or what was around me.
I moved up here, as I told myself then, to begin work on my PhD and to seek out a teaching job, but there was another reason that few knew about. When that reason turned out to me the wrong reason ( a notion I was not completely willing to accept until the Lake trip) my stay here became much more tolerable. I started to see the city for what it was rather than what I wanted it to be that first few months.
Well, I'm still here. I am gonna stay for another six months to give the schooling a chance to pan out ( I hope it does) and if not, I will relocate back to Springfield and continue to apply elsewhere. There is no sense in staying in a city that is too expensive if I am not doing what I want to do.

nevermind