amedievalmind

its been a little over a week since I have seen J. I called him tonight just to say hi and he brought up the fact that I had all but disappeared. So, we got into it about what it was and where it should go and he told me basically to shit or get off the pot because he likes me but doesn't want to play games. He had only dated on Aquarian and I guess he was all about sex, I am actually really shy when it comes to sex and he is not. So I told him that I need to be kicked in the ass every so often or I will think things to death. It has been so long since I have had a real relationship and I know that I have been hiding behind it in a number of ways as well. But I think, after talking with D that I need this. I need to be with someone who is not 18, who is together, who is situated in life, confident, and willing to have both a sexual and an emotional relationship with me.  And as arrogant as that may sound, I truly think that is the case.
It's time I moved on from C and from C and from A. I love/d C but a memory is not something in which to hide. C is a wonderful young man but has to deal with his life before he can be there for some one else though I will always have his back. And A was merely a fantasy that I convinced myself to be a reality. Its time to get off my ass and do something about this.
I know this may not make sense to a lot of people, but I just needed to get this out somewhere.

You know, I really miss teaching. It has been one year and some change since I was last in a classroom and I must say, I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my work at Pepsi as it's a job and it's good money (most of the time), but I can do more. I have applied to several full-time positions in the area at community colleges and just found two more adjunct posts  to apply to and I would really like to get something. Even a per course gig would be great. It would give me the extra monthly boost I need financially and it would get my foot back in academia's door.
After calling several of the institutions last week, I discovered that the next two weeks should yield a phone call if I am one of the candidates being considered. So, I will call once next week and make sure they know that I am REALLY FUCKING interested in the job. I suppose that is the best way to let them know how serious I am about the whole thing. I may curb my language a bit, but the over all enthusiasm should remain in tact.

I have definitely become so comfortable in my solitude that I have hurt myself in the area of dating. I met guy last week, so freaking hot. He looks like a combination of Lou Diamond Phillips (as a young man) and J.P.Pitoc (search movie Trick if unfamiliar). His body resembles a younger, toned, Marky Mark ( I feel like I am going to wake up anytime).
He is Puerto Rican, works in the city, loves Twilight (everyone has flaws), movies, reading, etc...

Here is where I am screwing it up: Yesterday, we had the chance to hang out ,after three days apart, and I really just didn't want to. I wanted to stay at home, alone and watch Will and Grace. There always comes a point, usualy early in a relationship with me, where I crave being alone again. I feel like I am loosing my privacy and that scares me. Now, the first few encounters have been purely sexual. It was meant, I think, as a casual thing. But lately, he has recently asked to go see Transformers with me this Friday night (then engage in other activities).
I have no problem with a casual sex buddy, the problem is that I do not know if this guy is going to be able to satisfy my other needs (deep conversations). I know not everyone likes to talk a movie or book to death, I know that, but I have not yet tried to test him and I am afraid to do so.

So, there is my pointless rant. I met a hot hot hot guy that wants to be fucked constantly, and I am already thinking I want to be alone again. What the hell is wrong with me???(if you try to answer that, keep it 500 words or less please :) )

Ok, here is the deal. Ohio State University requires a verbal score of 600. My score is 560. I am not retaking that damn test again. I am already going to retake the subject test this coming fall again. Should I even bother to apply to the school or just forget it? Do you think the 40 points will make a difference?

Ok, I did screw up and it was Ohio State Un. not U of Ohio. Sorry guys

OH SHIT!!!!!   Here comes what should have been last year at this time. I have just found 7 schools that have Medieval Programs (including the PhD) Only one of these schools do not offer a Medieval program, but offer one in Children's Lit. While I do not want to obtain a higher degree in that field, I would not dismiss the idea of studying in a university which offers more in depth courses in such a field.

They are as follows:

University of Oklahoma
University of Iowa (Children's Lit)
University of Southern Illinois (ISU)
Loyola University (already applied)
Michigan State University (already applied)
Cornell University (Northeastern coast, mostly likely not)
University of Ohio

I have asked my professors for two letters thus far and I think that is pestering enough. I am going to hate to ask these people to write 5 more letters (if not more because of assistantship program letters) I know Dr. B won't mind and I am pretty sure the Wizard won't mind, but I am worried about Dr. E. He just plain scares me. Anyway, do you think that is too many to ask for? Should I just ask someone else? It just seems like I should have the medievalist write letters for me. Am I asking too much?

Anway, I am so freakin excited here. I am going to re take the Lit GRE this fall to improve my score. Some of the schools require it and some do not, but I can send the scores anyway. I am happy with the 560 verbal I got on the general and the 4 on the analytical section. That is not quite 600, but it is close and I am happy with it. So, here goes.

I am going to stay up here in Chicago for another year until I hear from the school. Hopefully I will know something by next June.

Ok, here is a question to all my friends with advanced degrees in all things non relevant to everyday life (the arts). Please be advised I am not making fun of anyone here and I am not trying to belittle our accomplishments at all. But I am curious...

   How do you justify spending thousands of dollars and multiple years earning a degree that has little to no relevance to/in everyday life?

Now, this is not me being snotty or anything like that as I am in the same boat. But I am always curious as to the reasons we spend so much time working towards a degree that aids very few people. With the exception of teaching writing, the English degree is really a cycle of redundancy. We get out degrees to teach other to get their degrees to teach others........ I mean, Medieval English LIt, when was the last time you needed to know about the life cycle of the hero or the cardinal sin that took down Beowulf in your local grocery store or job application.

So, any takers?? How do you justify your degree(s)?

It never ceases to amaze me how completely oblivious I can be when it comes to my friends. I try to keep my distance when it comes to personal stuff, specifically dating, and specifically certain people. I do not want to cross boundaries that may or may not exist. At least with issues that have never been discussed between us.
    It is hard to show how much you do love someone when you are 500 miles away with out sounding like you are in love with them. I really would drop everything and make the trip home if any of them needed me. Not just C, but B, and S and L and R. ALL of them. B and C may hold, in all honesty, a little more tighter grip on the heart strings, but that is not to say the others are not important. And I would go to CO, but not to K., Sorry J. That is a bit too far.
    Well, now that my witch is leaving, how the hell is going to keep me in touch with the group and tell me when I am losing my rankings.

Another year, gone. This time the year in question is not marked by any specific holiday or national campaign of alcohol, but merely the fact that on the last Saturday of May, 2008 I arrived in Illinois to see whether or not I could survive. When I first got here, my parents helped me unpack and then left (they had to return to work the very next day). I was left with no internet, no friends (close), and absolutely no freakin' idea where I was or what was around me.
I moved up here, as I told myself then, to begin work on my PhD and to seek out a teaching job, but there was another reason that few knew about. When that reason turned out to me the wrong reason ( a notion I was not completely willing to accept until the Lake trip) my stay here became much more tolerable. I started to see the city for what it was rather than what I wanted it to be that first few months.
Well, I'm still here. I am gonna stay for another six months to give the schooling a chance to pan out ( I hope it does) and if not, I will relocate back to Springfield and continue to apply elsewhere. There is no sense in staying in a city that is too expensive if I am not doing what I want to do.

nevermind

I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to do with my life; in relation to where I am now and where I want to be in the next few years. I suppose I could list the very basic things of obtaining my final degree in my area of study or even mention the desire to teach in a University English department. These things I know I will accomplish, if not on my own time table then on a schedule more complete and vast. I have been asking others about what they would place on their list and even taking notes from the film, and I have discovered that I have already had a very enriched life.
I have laughed till I have cried on more occasions than I can count. I have found joy in my life on several lasting and irreplaceable occasions. I have made a difference in a few lives - even if nothing more than causing a laugh or two or providing a warm place to sleep.
My family and friend are what I look forward to the most in my life and trips home, and even though I may seem distant, as a I often try to, I miss everyone and love everyone "more than life itself".
I have made some decisions in my life the last month in reference to "friends" and where I am going, and I can say now that, even though I may not be the happiest I have every been, I WILL make the most of where I am now and see what new opportunities await me. I have had to let go of someone that may have been more of a reason for moving up here than I wanted to admit to myself or others, but at least it got me up here. I wish A the best in his life and I hope he achieves his goals and maintains the sweet character than I grew to love so much over the years.
After taking the GRE subject test, I feel much better about my future here. I know that, if nothing comes of my searching in Chicago, I can always move back to Springfield and I will be welcome with open arms by my family, the good crew. Though things will never be the same, love never dies, it only takes on a new form.
It is a great joy to see the growth of the freshmen and how much they have changed and evolved. Some are progressing slower than others, yet they are still making progress and will no doubt accomplish their life goals.

I have invented a maneuver!

It's amazing to me how emotional I have been lately. It seems as if I break down into tears, or at least misty eyes, at scenes or situations, songs or poems that I would normally only dismiss as mere fluff. But in all the emotion, there is an area of my life that I almost feel nothing, or in comparison to a few months ago, it seems like nothing. My friend A. Or even if I can still call him that. I have slowly been thinking of other things and it scares me that I would or could even be so callous about a friend that I have known (in theory) for nearly 8 years. Its hard to walk away from that kind of commitment. The spring quarter should be starting soon at his school, and he will be returning from Argentina ( a teaching experience). Hell, its been so long now, he may have already graduated and I simply do not know it.
I would hate to think I am that easily cast aside.

FUCK

Well, it's been a while since i did this and there has been news to post for sure in my life. My Application to the PhD program at UIC was rejected last week; I got the news two days before my birthday.  I was not really surprised by the news (my family did not understand how anyone could say no to me). UIC is one of the top English programs aside from Harvard and places such as that. It was a low blow though, and I honestly thought about just stopping, but knowing how hard it was going to be from the start just allowed me to look into other avenues of acquiring my PhD.
I have set my sights on three other schools all of which offer a specific degree in medieval studies. The first is here in Chicago, Loyola University. This school is one of the two schools that require the Subject test GRE. So I am going to register to take that April 4th. I am also going to send in an app to MSU (Michigan State University) the deadline was December 15th, but I can get in early and may get an early answer. If Loyola says no, then I am going to move to another location. I will also apply to UGA (Georgia in Athens). But that would also be a fall 2010 admission.
I also have a back up plan if all three say no. WMU (Western Michigan Un.) has a Medieval MA degree. This would be a good program to apply to if I am not able to gain acceptance into a PhD program anywhere else. I could then use that to possibly get my foot in the door at a PhD program at MSU.
I have always struggled with my own intelligence and the rejections are not helping. My friends are always reminding me that I am an idio t for doubting myself (prolly rolling their eyes now since i can't see them). A card I got on my Bday reminded me that I was good at what i loved to do and it came from a dear friend that would not lie to me. And of coarse, my best witch is always there to let me know what a dumbass I am for feeling like this.
I have applied to several teaching positions for the fall in the Chicago area. I may stay if I can get a job here. Perhaps to save some money before moving to where ever I am accepted. And if I get to stay here in IL. then I will simply try to keep the job. I will have 8 years at Loyola to complete the degree.
This sucks. But, I have a feeling that I will die with a PhD. Of that, I have no doubt!!!

I miss my friend. I have had no word as of yet if I can get the time off in March. I hope I can. I miss you all.

Well, i have given up the illusions of having a 55 gallon aquarium. First of all, the damn thing would just be too big for my place, second, I would have to move it in a couple months when I move out of this apartment complex (as is the current plan), and third, the cost of the other materials would exceed 600.00, which I just do not have. So, i have decided to use my 20 gal long aquarium and obtain some smaller warm water fish. I am quite content with this choice.
Another issue is that of the gym. I have started going back (actually only since yesterday thus far) and my goal is to be in much better shape by the end of March. I am now down to 210 and I am comfortably wearing 34 in jeans. My goal eventually is to reach 180 and be in 33/32 in jeans. This is an end of the year goal, as I have no need to rush things. That is when I get discouraged. I so appreciate everyone's positive comments; it helps me so much and gives me a rush of encouragement and know how that I am doing something right.
So, that is basically what is going on with me. Nothing all that important and nothing out of the ordinary. But I have been having fun lately and not been so depressed.

Ah, well despite my small eating binges here and there, I have managed to lose another 5lbs this month. I guess the major holiday sales at Pepsi have been paying off after all. I am now down to 210 (from 215 at Thanksgiving and Christmas). My goal is to be, at least, below 200 by the time April rolls around and my ultimate goal is 180 by Christmas. I think that is doable. I am going to start hitting the gym again and seriously controlling my eating habits starting this coming week. I am not aiming to be a twink or anything, no desire to be one, but I would like to not be embarrassed to take my shirt off in public occasionally. So, that is the goal thus far. I will keep up on this and we will see if I can reach my goal by April.

This is the first post of the new year for me. I really can not complain at all about 2008. I met some great people, made some lifelong friends, up and moved to a new state, lost about 35lbs, and submitted my PhD application a week early.
I never make resolutions because I learned I never keep them. I think it's too much pressure or perhaps that I am simply unwilling to do what I state.
This year will see many changes. I hope to be even lighter by the time the cabin rolls around and even more so by the time summer hits. I would like to be at 180 by the end of this year, and where ever the stepping points are in between, I really don't care. I am not on any sort of diet, I do not restrict anything as I know myself better than to do that. I merely try to watch the intake of portions and it seems to be working ok. I will be going back to the gym this week and getting that back on track. I slacked off a lot after Halloween and was the reason I was not at my goal weight by Christmas time.
The PhD app is going to take a lot of time to worry about. I do not know if I will get in, as I only applied to one school (something I know better). But I am confident that the right thing will happen. I got all my I dotted and my Ts  crossed, so If UIC says I am not good enough, I will simply apply elsewhere. This is not the only city and there are other universities.
I am slowly getting to the point where I am not bothered by the lack of A in my life. I know there were other motives for coming here. An 8 year journey which I thought was to culminate here in Chicago. I have come to realize, even thought I have my down points, that the time will come and we will meet, but it will be on terms that I can not understand now.  So, I will just try to be patient and wait for the right time.
I have another chance to aid in the planning of some Brit Lit courses for my favorite witch. It is something that has kept my mind in academia even though the rest of me is not there...yet.
So, here is to a new year and a lot of new challenges and to whomever I meet along the way........

well, its about 930pm and I can't sleep. This is, of course, my fault because i took a nap. I am getting up at 230am to be to work by 4am so I can try to be done by 10am and begin a 9 hour drive home. I was fortunate to get the day after Christmas off so I can go home after all. It was decided last week that I was not going to be able to make it. It would be the first time I would ever have been away from home over Christmas. After loosing a very close member of the family last year, on Christmas eve, this year was going to be a rough, but important year for the family to be together. It was a kick in the head when I discovered last week that I would not get any time off this week other than the day itself. But because circumstances have changed, I am going to be able to make the trip with out a lot of stress. 
My PhD app is ready to send in to UIC. I have contacted two of the 3 letter writers and they informed me that they send the letters to the school over a week ago, so I am now waiting on one letter. The application is all but done. I have a witch coming to see me whom I want to review certain aspects of and once again reassure me that things are as they should be (because I worry about things I know I should not and she knows this and puts up with it :) )
I got word this weekend from A that he and his BF would be going to Argentina through a scholarship over Winter Quarter. I am so proud of him for getting the award. Though it does mean a longer wait till we are able to meet. H has gone back home for the holiday and I imagine it will be a welcome change in climate from what it is up here in Chicago.
My thoughts dwell on C as of late. I love him. I know he knows this but he is sure that he would not be good for me. Perhaps he is right, but I think otherwise. I have extended the invitation to him to come up and be with me here in Chicago, and if a relationship does not work, he has a friend up here already, and that is an important step i have learned.
I have not spoken to B as of late, but I hope he is doing well now that he does not have to worry about school so much. I wish him a safe holiday and a great break from school. He needs it.
 
So, some yes items.
I get to see my family in less than 24 hours
My grandparents are in great health (90 and 83)
My Mom and Dad's business is going well.
I got time off from work
My PhD app is ready, pending review.
I LOVE snow and I live in Chicago ( I get a lot of strange looks when i say that here)
My with is going to be at my place in a few days for a few days!!
I get to cook for people of high caliber
A. will get to teach.
I have a good friend up here.

Ok, that's enough for now.

You know, sometimes I sit up here and wonder what the hell I am doing here. I know, PhD stuff and all that bullshit that i fed everyone in order to justify getting up here, and it is all true of course. The trip home made me question if I should actually be up here at all. I felt like I was coming home when I reached Springfield and I know the people that were there to greet me (and the one that I was surprised by) is part of what makes it home. But I wonder if that is all it is there, or is it more. I truly thought about going back very soon, much sooner than even I ever thought possible, but I was dissuaded from that option and decided to remain up here for now. I will give it one more year and pending the application to UIC and even Loyola Un. I may be on my way back.
I feel a change coming. I don't know if its for the good or the bad, but I feel it coming. The new year will bring new things and I just don't know if I can take much more disappointment up here. I am closer to a friend up here than I have ever been and now, nothing. I get so tired of worrying about him and us, but I can't stop.
I miss C more than he can know. i wish I could be there with him, for him, and be what ever he needs or wants me to be for him, but I can not. And, what's worse, I would gladly welcome him here in my life. I just don't think he would take me serious.y. I knew I would fall and that was my fault.
I have been thinking of another C lately. A man I loved and still love even though he is gone. I can still feel him at night beside me sometimes when I wake up too fast or just enough to realize I am no longer dreaming. I need to let him go, but I do not know how.
I'm just lonely and I don't know where to go from here.

 Well,

Teaching interview on Monday, for which I am very nervous, but still very excited. Northwind aided me through a lot (actually everything) so I feel prepared. And I just have a good feeling about this place for some reason. It may just be desperation, but it is hard to simply dismiss.

Parents came up over the weekend and we had a great time. Took Mom to a major scrapbook store in the area, and got her a late birthday present. Took Dad to two pizza places and Borders so he could get a couple books he wanted. All in all, a great time and I will see them in just a very short week and a half anyway.

My apartment is actually clean.

It snowed today!!!!! And  I have my windows open. Oh, I love winter.

I am very excited to see everyone this coming holiday. I need some hugs from some people and  I need to be around my family.

P.S. I know i spelled the song title wrong.